


If I Could Tell Her

by cloudnining



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: F/F, My First Work in This Fandom, this hurt me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26692939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudnining/pseuds/cloudnining
Summary: But what the hell, right?“I am in love with Starlight Glimmer.” She repeated, much quieter this time; she still erupted into giggles once again after, till her stomach ached and her face was so hot it might melt.*I think this ship doesn't get enough love, but I can also see why. Twilight is definitely head over heels for Starlight, but I don't think Starlight is quite ready to see through the "teacher admiration" fog or her very obvious crush on Trixie. Thus, lots of opportunity for angst.
Relationships: Starlight Glimmer/Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer/Twilight Sparkle (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic), blink and you'll miss it - Relationship, implied/past sunset shimmer x twilight sparkle
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	If I Could Tell Her

Twilight flipped through another page on her book about Alicorn magic and, once again, realized she hadn’t actually internalized any of what the page had said at all. She sighed half-heartedly and turned back to try and give it another read. She hung her head low, her horn hardly being able to muster any energy to hold the book up. Usually, she’d be eager to learn more about her still relatively new Alicorn heritage; however, hours had passed since she first tried tackling this chapter, and she just couldn’t manage to keep any of the information in. She wasn’t planning on self-teaching this until the following day, but the plans she had attempted to make with Starlight were thwarted before she could even get them out that morning. Twilight had not given her ex-pupil more than a mere wave before the latter hurriedly exited the castle to practice magic with — she shuddered — _Trixie_. 

_Figures_. Twilight thought, bitterness welling up in her heart. Now, the Princess of Friendship did not necessarily resent the budding friendship between Trixie and Starlight — after all, nopony else quite understood redemption like she did, and Twilight was happy to see Starlight’s friendships grow. Trixie, Maud, Thorax, hell, even Discord for a while… Starlight was growing marvelously, at a rate Twilight had only previously seen in, well, herself. 

Daggers still stabbed into her heart whenever she remembered how easily and quickly Starlight claimed Trixie as her “best friend in all of Equestria” right in front of her face, though. 

Twilight was not unfamiliar with jealousy. She knew how to recognize it in herself and in her friends, she knew it helped nopony in the end, she knew it was a natural emotion that was not to be suppressed, but maturely handled and properly communicated. She had seen the crazy things it had made her friends do, how awful it could make everypony feel. However… 

It’s not like she could just _tell_ Starlight, right? 

On one hand, it might serve as a useful lesson in communicating one’s feelings; on the other, who was Twilight to assume Starlight still needed any lessons from her? _How pretentious_ , she shamefully berated herself. And who exactly would it help? Starlight clearly had her heart set on branching out, and Twilight was not going to try to stop her. Especially not in light of her conversation with Celestia on the prospect of sending her off someday. Even if Starlight was not ready to leave, it had nothing to do with Twilight; she just didn’t want to leave Trixie. If Twilight was to express these feelings, it would only make things more awkward between the two. 

And why in Celestia’s name was she feeling this way, anyway? 

Only the light tapping on her library door broke her off from her thoughts; the Princess realized the wet mess that had become of her book. She glanced toward the ceiling, but no leak was there. She touched her own face and was shocked to feel the stream of tears falling down continuously. She directed her attention back to the tapping on the door and panicked, dreading — and a toxic part of her slightly hoping — it was Starlight on the other end. 

However, it was her trusted Spike’s voice that greeted her: “Everything okay in there, Twilight?” He asked simply. 

Almost punching the tears away from her face and clearing her throat loudly, Twilight pranced over to the door, creaking it open to ensure he was alone. _Phew_. 

She opened the door fully. “Yeah, I was just napping. I guess I’ve been studying too much.”

“I could’ve sworn I heard sobbing, though.” Spike furrowed his brow, not quite believing her. 

“I was having a pretty rough nightmare, so that’s probably why.” She sighed. 

“Wouldn’t Luna have rushed over to help?” Spike quizzed her further.

“She only does that at night, remember? It’s like, early afternoon. I think.” She glanced over at the closed curtains, face flushed. 

Spike exhaled in defeat. “You know you can talk to me, right?” 

Twilight buried her face in her books, groaning. “Of course, Spike. I’m sorry.”

Spike gingerly walked over to her desk, climbing atop a stack of books and sitting on it. He noticed the Alicorn book propped up in front of her. “Still on that book? I thought you would’ve zoomed past it by now.”

“I haven’t… been able to focus.” Twilight answered. It was the truth. Mostly. Just skipping the explanation. 

“You need a break.” Spike said matter of factly. Twilight shrugged him off, continuing to brood with her face deep in the pages of her book. 

“I’m serious, Twilight,” he hopped off the stack of books and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Like, super duper serious. Is this because of Star—”

Twilight perked up and moved her hand to block Spike’s mouth with a speed even Rainbow Dash would envy. Her face turned beet red, her heart raced, her hands clammed up, her magic acted without her wanting to and slammed the door shut with a force that nearly shattered the durable crystals it was made of. Spike attempted to finish his sentence through the muffle, and shoved her hand away.

“Oh, you’ve got it bad.” He chuckled, rolling his eyes. 

“Got what bad? What’s bad? A cold? I don’t have a cold. Ha...ha.” Twilight awkwardly cleared her throat, eyes darting around the room avoiding Spike’s. (Not so) deep down she knew exactly what he meant, but was not yet prepared to admit it to herself. _Admit what, exactly?_ She asked herself rhetorically. 

Spike sighed again. “I know that you know. Just… consider telling her at some point before you completely lose your marbles, okay?” 

Twilight dropped the facade, defeated, and slammed her face onto the desk. “I don’t even know what I’d be telling her.”

“Um, how about, ‘Oh, Starlight, I’ve fallen for you… ‘“ He said poetically, striking a melodramatic pose with one hand on his forehead and his body leaning backward. 

“Spike, did I hear my name?” Starlight’s voice echoed from down the hall as the front door to the castle shut. Spike and Twilight shot up from their positions and looked at each other, eyes wide; they nodded at each other and Spike raced out of the room, already on a roll distracting Starlight. Twilight frantically bolted away from her desk and looked around the library for a means of escape. She couldn’t just shatter the windows or open them, those creaky things made too much noise. She tried slowing her breathing down, but it was getting harder to do by the second, what with the crescendo of Starlight’s voice as she made her way down the hall, weirded out by Spike’s attempts at distracting her. 

She held her breath and incarnated a teleportation spell in her mind, not having a very clear idea on where to go, and just before Starlight could make it into the room, she was gone without a trace. Spike exhaled in relief, and Starlight tilted her head. 

“Um, do you know where Twilight is?” She asked.

“I think she said something about running some errands… or something.” Spike shrugged, trying his hardest to look as disinterested as possible. Either Starlight bought his act or wasn’t bothered to press, because she simply shrugged and made her way back to her room. 

*

Starlight opened her eyes and gasped for air; she was quickly falling through the night sky, swimming in the clouds and stars around her. She swiftly spread her wings and tumbled into a halt, flying her way around until she found a firm cloud to stand upon. She looked downward — _ah, the Crystal Kingdom must’ve been the first place in my subconscious then_. She sighed in relief; it made sense, wanting to seek advice from Cadance — Princess of Love —of all people. 

She did not rush her descent, allowing the fresh air to clear her thoughts and taking in the gorgeous scenery of the Crystal Palace as it gorgeously reflected the starlight… _fuck_. 

Spike was right. She had it bad. 

Make no mistake, friendship was Twilight’s expertise. For Equestria’s sake, one doesn’t earn the title Princess of Friendship out of thin air. But this was… different. She knew she loved and cared for Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Spike, and many others — and she knew the same was true of Starlight, they were friends, after all. But while “friends” who hang out every so often, help one another, and hug at most, she knew she wanted… more with Starlight. She knew it wasn’t normal for a “friend” to make your heart rate increase and your face flush every time they simply entered a room. She knew it wasn’t normal to want to hold hands all the time with said friend, or always sleep in the same room as that friend, or always be near them, or kiss that friend. 

This was a different kind of love. Twilight’s mind went back to one particular afternoon in a library in the human world while she was visiting Sunset Shimmer. She had picked up a book on the “Types of Love” coined by the Ancient Greeks; Loves like “Storge” and “Philia” were reserved for family and friends, which definitely resonated how Twilight felt about the rest of the Elements as well as Celestia, Luna, Spike, her family, and so on. There was “Philautia” which referred to loving oneself. “Agape” which was selfless, unconditional, eternally burning love; she felt that for Starlight, she thought. Even if Starlight were to wake up tomorrow, turn evil again, and stab Twilight through the chest, Twilight would make an effort to lovingly look into her eyes and confess with her final breath. “Eros” which referred to Twilight’s current dilemma: romantic love. 

She was happy that there was no one around; in the darkness and privacy of the night sky as she flew in it, no one could see the blush on her face, hear the beat of her heart. She let herself bask in the intimacy of the moment, opening her true heart and looking at it unafraid. Twilight shut her eyes, opened her mouth, and, with the Crystal Kingdom below her and the Heavens above, she let herself shout out her heart’s truth. 

“ **I am in love with Starlight Glimmer!** ” 

She fluttered her eyes open. The wind continued to blow, the starlight continued to glimmer (ha) and no one was around, still. Those words, that moment, were hers, and they would be for all of eternity. Twilight giggled to herself and flew in a loop; so that’s the fun feeling of a crush, then? Love that presented itself in a light, playful flutter, the way she had seen it take over Rarity, Big Mac, and Spike many a time, that would completely bewitch them to the point where said crush would be the only person in the room.

Or was this deeper, the kind of love Cadance and Shining Armor held for each other? The kind of love that could lead to forever..? 

Twilight lightly slapped herself. _That would take reciprocation, you big dummy_. She flew now as if she were swimming on her back, allowing herself to literally float with her head among the clouds as she analyzed this feeling. Princess of Friendship or not, Twilight was, at the end of the day, a scientist at heart, studious to the core and always hungry for understanding. 

_But what the hell, right?_

“I am in love with Starlight Glimmer.” She repeated, much quieter this time; she still erupted into giggles once again after, till her stomach ached and her face was so hot it might melt. This felt so… liberating. 

However, when it came to acting upon these newly revealed feelings… 

Romantic love, had Twilight even truly come across it? Sure, she’d had crushes before, at least she thought so; crushes on fictional characters in her books, mostly, but crushes nonetheless. She swiftly landed onto Cadance’s balcony and hoped that her sister in law was not too consumed in her maternal duties to hear Twilight out for a bit. 

“Twilight?” Came Cadance’s sleepless voice as she rubbed away at her eyes, clearly exhausted. “Twilight!” She repeated, excitedly running over to meet with her sister-in-law. 

“I’m sorry Cadance, is this not the right time?” Twilight asked, a pang of guilt shooting through her core. 

“No, no, Twilight, you came at just the right time, if anything. It’s Shining Armor’s turn to put Flurry Heart to bed.” Cadance grinned, shutting the balcony door behind her with a quiet spell with her horn. Twilight giggled, a vision popping into her mind of her brother frantically chasing after her energetic, magically gifted niece around the room. The two hugged one another and in hushed whispers performed their greeting: _sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake…_

“Oh, Twilight, how I’ve missed you.” Cadance smiled with such a warmth Twilight swore she could melt the ice that once surrounded the Crystal Empire by herself. They proceeded to sit on the small tea table Cadance kept on her bedroom balcony, protected against Flurry Heart’s shenanigans with a spell Sunburst suggested. “So, what brings you here?” She flapped her wings in excitement.

Twilight’s face fell into a reserved smile, and she shyly retorted: “It’s kind of a long story.”

Cadance knew, of course — she could read Twilight like a book. She clasped a hand over her mouth, as if she were suddenly a schoolgirl being told by her best friend who her crush is in a hushed whisper in the bathroom. 

“Well,” Cadance leaned forward, cupping her face in her hands and resting her elbows on the table, “We Alicorns have all the time in the world, dear.” 

*

“Oh my. _Oh my._ ” Cadance got up from the table and twirled in excitement. “Our little Twilight’s _in loooove!_ ” 

Twilight covered her flushed face in her hands, “Cadance, a little quieter!” But she couldn’t contain her euphoric giggles. 

“Well, have you told her yet?” Cadance asked, thrilled. She took Twilight’s hands in her own and beamed. 

Twilight’s heart dropped, a polar opposite of how it felt as she was soaring through the clouds. “No. I’m… pretty sure she doesn’t feel the same way.”

“Oh, Twilight, don’t give up before you even try.” Cadance furrowed her brow. 

“No, it’s um, Trixie. Trixie Lulamoon. I think they may have a thing, or not; I mean, they understand each other, what with being ex-evil reformed unicorns… they’re good friends, always spending their time together. And like. She views me as a princess, but not a _‘princess_ princess’— her words, not mine. Um… I’m Twilighting again aren’t I?” She sighed. 

  
  
  
  


Cadance nodded. Twilight shrieked in defeat before burying her face onto Cadance’s table. She’d been doing a lot of that tonight. 

“What do I _doooooooo…_.” Twilight groaned. “She doesn’t love me baaaack.” Her face briefly perked up. “Should I sing a song about it?” 

Cadance sighed deeply, taking Twilight’s hands in her own yet again. “Twilight.”

“Yes?” She looked up at her sister in law between her forming tears. The stars glowing off the crystal palace’s reflection formed an aura of sorts around Cadance, framing her figure in a divine light. 

“Tell her. It won’t hurt to try.” Cadance smiled softly, simply, like she had just handed Twilight answers on a test. 

“I… could lose her.” Twilight gulped, looking down to avoid her gaze. “For good.”

“Now… what makes you think that?” 

“I can have faith in honesty, believe me, I’d get an earful from Applejack about it, but it doesn’t mean that Starlight would be comfortable with that. She could leave… and she’d have every right to, if it made her uncomfortable. I could lose her, Cadance… I could lose what we have now.” Twilight’s heart swam in melancholy; this current arrangement of theirs was bittersweet, in that sense. Starlight could be physically close, but Twilight would always feel her heart to be so far apart… 

“You keep thinking about what you could lose, but what of what you could gain?” Cadance tilted her head, caressing Twilight’s hair. 

Twilight exhaled. “Gain what?” 

Cadance smiled smugly. “A girlfriend.” 

Twilight’s face glowed bright red, and she shrieked out in despair. 

“Promise me you’ll at least give it some thought?” Cadance asked. 

Twilight nodded hesitantly and sunk back in the chair. “Um, Cadance?” She asked, realizing just how much her emotions had drained her. 

“Yes, Twilight, you can crash here tonight. We’ve got a spare room for you just down the hall.” Cadance winked knowingly. Normally, she wouldn’t encourage avoiding your problems, but in this case, she could let it slide for her favorite sister in law. 

*

Twilight stirred in bed, wide awake, looking out into the open window of the guest room to stare at the copious amounts of stars littered across the night. A music box played softly on her bedside table, the ballerina spinning atop it bearing a striking resemblance to Starlight.

_Great_ , Twilight thought bitterly, _now I see her everywhere_.

She shut her eyes, determined to get some shut-eye this time around and maybe ask Luna for some advice, too, if she happened to have a nightmare tonight. She tossed around some more, still unwilling to open her eyes again, until she could've sworn she heard Starlight's voice beckon her in a whispered _psst._ Twilight stopped stirring and sat up, eyes darting around the dark bedroom illuminated only by the night sky.

"Am I going nuts?" She berated herself in a loud whisper.

" _No. I'm here._ " Twilight's heart dropped a million kilometers down. Starlight's voice again? She hopped out of the bed and spun around in a panic.

" _The music box, you goof!_ " Twilight blinked, doing as instructed and looking at her night stand. The Starlight-looking ballerina was, in fact, making eye contact with her and acting as if it had come to life.

"Yeah. I've lost it." Twilight sighed, pressing a palm to her face.

Music-Box-Starlight rolled her eyes, offended. "You've done this same spell before, but when I do it, it's too crazy to believe?"

_Oh_.

"Starlight, sorry, um," Twilight tripped over the closet, falling backward onto her bum and hurriedly standing back up to make her way to her bedside, positioning herself to talk to Starlight. "I haven't gotten much sleep..."

"Really?" Starlight asked rhetorically, a smile on her face.

Twilight felt faint all of a sudden, and wondered if it would be appropriate to actually pass out on the spot and hope that when she woke up Starlight would be gone. 

Avoiding eye contact at all costs, Twilight started walking circles around the room slowly to appear cool. (It was completely failing.) “So… what brings you here?” She asked, praying to the very elements of harmony and the moon and the sun that it was anything but related to her. A friendship problem, trouble at the school, power hungry magical creature, _anything else_. 

“You’re avoiding me.” Starlight responded matter-of-factly, stopping her spin to cross her arms and direct a stern — albeit almost sad — gaze towards Twilight. 

“ _Huuuuh?_ ” Twilight suppressed the scream stuck in her throat. “Whatever could’ve possibly given you _that_ impression? I’m here at the request of Cadance, of course!” 

“Twilight, I thought as Princess of Friendship you’d be above lying to your friends by now.” Starlight lowered her head, voice softening. 

_Ouch_. That one shot an arrow through Twilight’s heart. And not the good kind. Twilight thought of Cadence's advice to just be honest… 

“Yeah, Starlight.” Twilight made her way over to Starlight, standing directly in front of her friend and ex-student. “I have been avoiding you. Did Spike tell you or was it your keen intuition?” 

Starlight flared up, driving her eyes to look directly into Twilight’s. 

“Hey. You do _not_ get to butter me up right now.” She huffed, hands on her hips. Her eyes moved downcast again. “Why… would you avoid me?” She looked back up at Twilight with a look she could only describe as that of a kicked puppy’s. Twilight was torn between immense guilt and immense relief — Spike had enough loyalty not to snitch on the reason, but Twilight realized how simply vanishing into thin air without any sort of explanation to her roommate was completely out of the ordinary, not to mention borderline mean and inconsiderate. 

Twilight was sleepless, tired, and above even her own anxiety right now. She faced her, the girl she was in love with, and, refusing to lie anymore, she settled on: “I can’t tell you.”

“What?!” Starlight exclaimed, holding her arms up in confusion. “What is _going on,_ Twi?”

Twilight resisted the urge to smile at the nickname. She thought of how to appease the situation at hand — because right now, it was not pretty.

“At least, not right now.” Twilight followed up. “You have to trust me.” Twilight bowed at Starlight’s feet, or, rather, the edge of her own night stand. Completely unbecoming of a Princess to bow down to her own subject, but Twilight could at least drop a sort of hint, no?

“Does it involve me?” Starlight sighed, defeated. 

“Yes.” 

“Twilight!”

“Please…” She pleaded, looking up to see the desperation in Starlight’s eyes. “All will be revealed soon… Starlight, my dearest friend…” 

Starlight gasped quietly at the word choice of _‘dearest’._

Twilight extended her hand out just at the reach of Starlight’s currently tiny ballerina hand. 

“Trust me.”

There was a long pause, and Twilight could sense Starlight trying to read into her thoughts, could sense Starlight restraining herself from casting some sort of truth spell on her. They looked into each other’s eyes, Twilight not even bothering to conceal the yearning within her own. 

“Okay.” Starlight simply replied, all trace of her banishing from the music box as it defaulted to its actual ballerina.

Twilight cast a sound proof spell in her room, and promptly screamed out into the heavens as hot tears streamed down her face. _This is it, I'm going to lose her forever_. She wept and wept until she could sense Celestia raising the sun, and then wept some more.

Eventually, Twilight fell backwards onto her bed, and was out before her head even hit the pillow.

*

**Author's Note:**

> To Be Continued. (Next part is the final part, the confession, was originally planning for this to be a one-shot but even writing this far was a LOT more than I expected, and I wanted to publish it already lmao. Part 2 should be out within this coming week.)
> 
> It says chapter 1/1, but it isn't.


End file.
